[Part I] An Autopsy On Perfectionism

Welcome to the first part of an ongoing post-mortem on perfectionism.

Perfectionism - a dis-ease I’ve been trying to inadvertently heal for the better part of my mid-twenties, without truly knowing it was holding me back from pursuing my dreams. I was stuck, petrified in time, thinking that every step might be the wrong one. Never daring greatly to move forward. The dis-ease has been growing stronger each year, and with it a significant amount of frustration.

In any diagnosis, you always start with the medical history. In my case it’s a Capricorn sun an Enneagram type 1. If you know what any of that means, you’ll know that when I tell you perfectionism is basically my trademark, I truly, deeply mean it.

There is a common misconception that being a perfectionist means you were always an A-student, excellent in any subject. I have not always found this to be true, but rather noticed a state of being, in which you attach your self-worth to achieving the very inflexible standards you’ve set yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re great at everything, but that you beat your self up more than most, when you fall short of said standards in any shape or form.

For instance, even though I loved going to school and learning, I was always a B-student and this deeply frustrated me. Why couldn’t I be an A-student, was I not intelligent enough? My ability to draw logical connections weaker? Perhaps I was just a creative, and that meant I had a different type of intelligence?

Please note, no mention of the subjects I did get A’s in or the extracurricular activities I enjoyed. Let a lone the fact that I have a very high EQ (emotional intelligence).

I can tell I’m on my way to recovering, because I am cringing just writing down the subconscious ways I internalised my perceived imperfections or shortcomings as deep flaws. The problem, wasn’t only that I was internalising them and moulding them into my identity, but that I subconsciously made it my life’s mission to fix myself and always be better.

My self-worth was overly dependent on achieving. This is exactly how you tend yourself a trap, because if you fail to meet your standards, or avoid trying to meet them for fear of failure, then the inner critic becomes king and moves into the castle of your mind. For me personally, it also often leads to counter-productive behaviours like self-sabotage.

Edward Weston, Nautilus Shells c.1947. Kodachrome.

In the spirit of conducting an autopsy, I also can’t avoid acknowledging some of the messaging I received growing up. My general education taught me that if you just work harder, you can achieve anything. In some ways this has proven to be helpful because it didn’t make me complacent when things didn’t work out my way. However, at times it’s been a challenge, because with my natural predisposition to chasing the high of reaching impossible standards, I was suddenly in a self-imposed rat race. Competing against myself.

It has more often than not caused me to chase a non-existent dangling carrot. One that, as I realise now, I wasn’t even interested in having in the first place. But most importantly, it has blocked me from my real, authentic dreams. The kind you hide away to focus on chasing validation, by society’s standard.

The side effect no one tells you about, is that you’ll feel like you’re always failing. Because nothing is ever enough - you can always do better, be better, go higher, get richer, get smarter etc…

There is an element of perfectionism that has a lot do with control. I say this, because we who tend to have this character trait, can only make sense of the world when looking at it through a black and white lens. There is a right and a wrong way to do things. There is no in-between, and in fact, the grey zone is a danger zone where we can’t control the outcome and that’s inherently scary.

Perfectionism a coping mechanism, like any survival instinct, there to protect you. Sometimes it can do us more harm than good and we need to be able to recognise this, then thank it for its service. Learning to detach from the outcome, as well as from the expectations you set on yourself and others, is vital to healing from perfectionism.

So, here I am becoming friends with my imperfections, and even finding magic in some of them. Black and white are just shades, life happens in the coloured spaces.
This is where creativity thrives and your authenticity comes through.